all you need is….
The notion of “unconditional love” is foolish. The fact is, we all earn love, and it is a good thing to have to do so. What possible good purpose can the belief that your spouse loves you unconditionally — i.e., no matter how you act — serve? If we believe our spouse loves us no matter what we do, what would motivate us to be on our best behavior at all times? Why be kind even when we are in a foul mood? Why work to stay attractive if he will love me no matter how much I neglect how I look? Why continue to pay attention to her — like regularly calling her from work — if I know that even if I ignore her, she will continue to love me? ~Dennis Prager
March 3rd, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I thought all of those actions were done to demonstrate how much you love the other person and not to “earn” their love as payment for your actions.
In other words, are you motivated to do these things by the fear that your beloved will no longer love you if you don’t do them? Or are you motivated to do these things in order to express how much you do love her/him?
March 3rd, 2008 at 2:51 pm
It’s not motivated by fear. It’s the reality that I cannot expect to be loved no matter what I do. Love is earned. My actions are deposited into my spouse’s “love bank”. The more good behavior vs bad behaviors, the higher the balance in the account. Love is not an everlasting emotion void of my behavior.
March 4th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Who wrote that quote?
March 4th, 2008 at 7:39 am
My mother would say, “I will always love you, I just don’t have to like you all the time.” I like the security of this everlasting love, but the need to be nice to maintain a happy relationship (the “like”).
Sometimes I wonder if long-term commitments (like marriage) are best served by stubborn people. It’s not always easy to love/like that other person, but dangit! I already said I was going to love you forever, so I will.
March 4th, 2008 at 7:59 am
I understand “always love, not always liking.”
I understand that in marriage one should not give up easily.
But should you expect to be loved by someone no matter what they do?
To be clear, unconditional love is a must for children, and parents should love their children no matter what when they are children. But as an adult, should we expect unconditional love from other adults? I don’t think so. Our behavior matters, and as adults I understand that we all fail and fall short in our behavior. So being merciful and kind is still required, but there are some lines for me that can be crossed where there is a point of no return. I guess that sounds kind of harsh, but I don’t want to take anything for granted.
March 4th, 2008 at 8:12 am
rockstar,
How would you back up your assertions with the Bible or with your faith in a unconditional God?
March 4th, 2008 at 8:16 am
I don’t see the conflict with an unconditional loving God. I’m speaking in terms of human relationships. Can you explain more?
March 4th, 2008 at 8:31 am
As I think more, here again is the failing of English and the word “love.” A breakdown is needed most likely for this to be more clear.
March 4th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
To expand on the like/love idea, loving someone does not always mean doing for them what makes them happy, I can think of a number of circumstances, even involving children that might make the loved one believe that they aren’t loved, even though that’s where the “lover”’s actions come from.
Perhaps no one should expect unconditional love. It’s along the same lines as believing that all our wants should be satisfied because we want something. However, when we are loved unconditionally, or more likely loved in a way that approaches unconditional love, it comes as a gift, since it is rare.
Last bit,
the author of the quote’s opinion about love seems pretty sterile and academic and maybe even a bit Machiavellian. My question to his questions is “Well, would someone who loved someone (just the good ol standard garden variety)) take that much thought into wondering why they should take care of their partner? unconditional love or not, I hope I’m not sounding naieve, but anyone who even has deep like for another person might wonder at the thought process behind those questions.
March 4th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
I gotta say, Jesus said repeatedly, “Love one another as I have loved you.” As a follower of Jesus, this seems pretty clear for how I need to learn to love people in my life. And what about loving our enemies? They’ve definitely crossed lines, at least enough to be considered enemies, so how can I not love them when I have been commanded to by the Lord? I have more ideas, but maybe they would be more appropriate in a conversation rather than a blog comment. =)
March 5th, 2008 at 8:32 am
I can see both sides of the coin. That’s a very logical approach to unconditional love. I agree it is a foolish proposition too. But like what was similarly discussed above, our God and Savior decided to take that approach, so I believe we are likewise called to that ideal.
I think that it is also foolish to think that it is possible in a pure form. No human, I would argue, is capable of unconditional love. Just like no human is capable of living a sin-free life. It’s just not possible.
Thus, I think that as humans, we’ve learned to balance the concept.
I know my wife will love me if I forget to take out to garbage or watch TV instead of listening to her. She knows I’ll still love her if supper is burned or she shrinks my favorite shirt. But that’s still a withdrawl from the “love bank”.
I think the unconditional love is what allows us to overlook occasional transgressions while while the human side of the equation is what will drive us to madness if these things are repeatedly and intentionally done.
Should I go to the extreme and beat my wife daily because I know she’ll still love me? Of course not. I think some of what bidirectional love requires is the mutual understanding that everything you do is not designed to hurt the other person. I think that’s where the practice of unconditional love really comes to fruition.